The Uglier Side of My Nature

Our little farm sits aside a country road flanked by Totara trees. Huge and timeworn, their brittle branches dense with needle-like foliage arc over the road and form a tunnel half a kilometre long. Walking in the tree tunnel is both soothing and electrifying—dark and deeply shaded, softly dappled by fingers of light that penetrate the canopy here and there. Logging trucks, milk tankers and school buses all have to drive straight down the middle of the road to avoid scraping their vehicles or, heaven forbid, breaking a Totara branch. The tree tunnel is protected by a special heritage status.

One evening last week, an unfamiliar car backed into the driveway and parked diagonally, completely blocking the entrance and exit to our farm. I was already inside, sitting in one of the comfortable chairs, trying to muster the energy to get up and make myself a meal after a particularly gruelling day of physical work. 

Jen was still outside finishing the last of the evening chores — hanging the soaked hay nets for Daniel and putting on his rain sheet. The weather was changing, yet again. I could feel it in my bones, or more specifically, in the joints of my hands which were swollen and sore. I knew it would be raining by morning, and I sighed deeply anticipating another wet and muddy day with the horses. 

Jen came to the door, agitated. She said, “there’s someone parked weirdly in the driveway, totally blocking it. He’s been there for at least 20 minutes, and I’ve got to leave.” I grabbed the dogs and Jen and I went out to the gate. I called out, “can I help you?” A man leaned part way out the window. He said there was an oversized load being driven up the road, something about a house in three pieces and a convoy of trucks. 

“I wasn’t notified of this,” I said, a little sharply. “We have someone here who needs to leave.”

The man’s irritation was palpable. He told us, gruffly, that leaving wasn’t possible. 

“How long is this going to take?”

He shrugged, and opened the car door, swinging to face me. “Oh … it’ll be another 10 minutes, maybe. Could be a quarter of an hour, half an hour, maybe longer. Hard to say.”

Right then, I should’ve backed away and invited Jen inside for a drink while she waited for the road to clear. Instead, the ugly side of my nature flooded to the surface, along with the blood in my cheeks. I snapped, “that’s totally unacceptable. We should’ve been notified about this …”

He may not have said “now simmer down, missy,” but I felt sure he was thinking it. His old-fashioned, blokish non-specificity, his “she’ll be right” when it’s obvious that she really won’t be, got my hackles up. Ugly always leads with Us and Them. 

“You’ve been sitting here blocking my driveway for half a f—ing hour,” I snapped. “If you’d tooted your horn and told us what was happening when you first got here, my friend would have had ample time to leave.”

The man unfolded himself from his car and stood over me. He was tall, elderly and his face was stone hard. 

“Look here,” he growled.” I’ve lived here for 84 years.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this refrain. Not long after we moved here with the horses, we tried to go out hacking along our road. Because the visibility in the tree tunnel is so poor, I walked on foot wearing a fluoro vest and moved to the middle of the road to slow the oncoming traffic in an effort to keep the horses safe. Most drivers obliged, and I smiled and waved as I stepped out of their way, calling out a thanks as they drove slowly and safely past. One driver came full speed at us, stopping only when I stood my ground. He wound down his window and said, “Look here, I’ve lived here for 37 years.” I knew the rest of the sentence was going to be something about his right to drive however he pleased, but that day ugly didn’t appear. I leaned down, flashed my biggest smile and said, “Wow, you’re a lucky man.”

Back at the gate the tall man loomed, pointing a bony finger at me. 

“I know who you are,” he said. “You’re from Wellington.” This was pure accusation, delivered with intense disgust. You need to know that Wellington is the nearest city, just an hour’s drive down the road. Technically, this rural area is in the Wellington district.

“No, I’m not,” I said, or lied, depending on how you look at it.

“Yes, you are. I know. You’re one of those people from Wellington. One of those film crew people.” 

Well, he certainly had done his homework. Technically, I do live in Wellington. My husband lives in Wellington and works in the film industry. But I don’t feel like I am from Wellington. No more than that I am from San Francisco, or Boston, or rural Vermont, or Illinois, or Ohio, or even New Hampshire, the state in which I was born. I countered:

“I am not from Wellington. For f—’s sake,” I shouted, dodging his jabbing finger. “Listen to me. Where does it sound like I’m from?” 

To this, he simply repeated the accusation: “No. You’re from Wellington. I know!”

It was then that ugly boiled over. I told him to get the f— out of my driveway. I pointed to his car and said, Go! And off he drove back up the road and out of the tree tunnel where he pulled into another driveway. 

Meanwhile, the convoy of trucks was now visible at the far end of the Totara tunnel, and though their progress was excruciatingly slow, the drivers were magnificent. They had side-walkers and pilot vehicles and they shimmied their big loads – a house cut into 3 pieces – up the tree tunnel without breaking a single branch. My fuming anger gave way to awe and relief as they passed our driveway. 

And then it was over.

But, of course, it wasn’t over. I’ve had an anger hangover ever since, and now I have a neighbour somewhere up the road who has ample reason to despise me. I suspect that the curse of being from Wellington has something to do with his frustration at the way the world is changing. The man who has worked this land for seven decades sees me as a wealthy urbanite carving up productive land for frivolous purposes. I understand this. But mostly I am ashamed of the uglier side of my nature. 

Sure, we should’ve received advance notice of the operation. It’s dangerous to block a populated road that has no other access. Our road winds up into the foothills of the Tararuas and ends in a recreational campground. There’s only one way in and one way out. Police should’ve been on the job. But as nothing bad came of it, my anger is just a tempest in a teapot.

I am the outsider here. I can’t expect locals to behave differently than they do. It’s up to me to fit myself in and try to be a useful member of the community. I like to think of myself as a decent person. And most of the time I am. I’ve opened my gates to the local community in a variety of ways and shared the bounty of my good fortune. I have cultivated relationships that I treasure with several neighbours. But I really screwed this one up, and I can’t shake the feeling that I did more damage than just swearing at an old man. At the very least, I solidified his opinion of people “from Wellington.” 

And that’s a shame because around here, we’re really all from Wellington.

Totara Reserve, Hautere

7 thoughts on “The Uglier Side of My Nature

  1. Abby, as more distance passes, the event will become more forgiving, maybe even a tad humorous?
    Perhaps this man secretly respects you for standing up to him?
    Funnily enough, my anthology piece is all about this very subject of our Inner Prickly Self. I’m relieved I’m not alone having one, so thanks for your honesty in sharing. Blame it on the weather, own it and don’t beat yourself too badly.

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  2. I for one don’t think of anger as ugly. Defensive, protective, boundary setting – yes. Ugly? That’s more likely the shame than the anger. And especially as women we are shamed for being other than accommodating and nurturing as if that’s all that resides under our skin. We are so much more! I love your descriptives and your little jaunts into a mix of moods – so many. Yum.

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    1. To me, rage is ugly. Allowing something get under my skin so that I lose control of my temper is ugly. Swearing, which I really rather love, is ugly when it is flung in anger. But I take your point about women shaming, and I know it resides in the mix of this little tableau. Thanks for reading, Lasell!

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  3. I get it. I’d like to roll in a more measured fashion when those “hell on wheels” moments hit. I’m trying to soften the repressed anger, righteous though it may be, and bring myself into a place that feels loftier to me. But we are where we are and that’s okay, too. I know we can get there from here.

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  4. I actually envy you, Abby, because I wonder if I’d have the courage to let myself go there (they call it “balls” because men don’t think twice about getting mad and expressing it!). I think my emotional training was that anger is bad and hurtful and the “high road” of passivity and silence is preferable. But some folks can eventually meet you in the middle and some folks can’t; perhaps you and your neighbor will be able to do that someday, perhaps not. But the potential for both exists in all of us and sometimes I wish I could access the anger that you describe!

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